Soooooo, the bachelorette party was this weekend. And it was...AWESOME! I actually had an amazing time. A night of debauchery was had by all, luckily, or all would have been a waste of time. If I get any pictures, I'll post em up. I am not to share any of the night's events with Jon, but since Jon probably doesn't even know Live Journal exists, let alone have an account or know I have an account or know my username, I think I'm safe. So we started out at Nicole's friend Colleen's downtown chicago condo. It was an amazing place but her parents are really rich and basically pay for her rent so I was expecting as much. Anyway I love all the other bridesmaids, they're pretty cool people, I talked mostly with Liz, Nicole's cousin, and Crazy Katie, who despite her monaker is a really sweet, down-to-earth girl who looks astonishingly like Alexis Bledel (Sin City, Gilmore Girls, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants). Apparently Crazy Katie did some Crazy things in high school and earned the nickname because Nicole's family had to distinguish between her and a college friend of Nicole's known as Purdue Katie. So anyway we had a lot to eat which caused me to have to consume a lot of alcohol to get any effect, which I had expected. Nicole opened her presents and received among things, a huge vibrating dildo, ribbed for her pleasure, I noted that the box touted the dildo as "multi-functional" and we all pondered about what other functions a dildo might serve. Someone mused that perhaps it might also be a flashlight? There was a book of sexual positions that looked suspiciously like it was made in the '80's, and all the males had creepy, molester-moustaches. In the upper right-hand corner if you flipped through the book really fast, you could see a kind of live-action porn scene of a variation of the missionary position. Apparently there are a LOT of different ways you can have sex in the missionary position, none of which looked incredibly comfortable or realistic. There were also the ubiquitous penis straws that you could suck your margarita from. So moving on, we then took a cab to the Hunt Club, which Lauren (nicole's sister) thought would be clever since that is Nicole's future new last name. Our cab driver smelled like bacon and looked like Jesus. In the lower level, or the lounge of the Hunt club there is this huge window that you can look up onto street level and watch people passing by. There was a bachelor party in progress as well, along with our bachelorette party and you could see all the guys watching the girls as they walked by and making comments to themselves. Well there was this homeless-looking older lady that came along, noticed all the leering men below her and proceeded to shake her dried-up old ass and turned around and flashed everyone. Man, those were some saggy tits. I wasn't even aware that this person was a woman until she had so kindly shared her female parts with us. Needless to say, all the men groaned in repulsion, and I thought this was very fitting and definitely what they deserved. I don't see why I had to see it though. Then a little bit later, Nicole yells, "Cool! The bike cops are arresting someone!" (She's starting to get a bit tipsy by now). Everyone in the lounge looks up and sure enough, a blue spandex-clad cop is pulling a bag of marijuana out of some guy's pocket and the guy is standing there in handcuffs. Everyone starts hooting and clapping, and some drunk guy starts shouting, "GO Reno 911, we love you guys!" The cops look in and wave and smile at everyone. Meanwhile Nicole is shaking her penis straw at the cops yelling, "Leave him alone, he's wearing a White Sox shirt!" Later Nicole got pictures with the young, rookie cops, one of whom was wearing braces and was named McNaughten, and whom Nicole called McNaughty. Next, I hailed a cab for the first time in my life (another first grown-up adventure for me) and we were off to the Hidden Shamrock, which very much had an Irish pub atmosphere, good music playing with everyone singing along and dancing. I was like "I like this place," so settled down and ordered a Long Island. Now previously in the night I'd ordered a Vodka tonic, three Red-headed Sluts (shots), and an amaretto sour. None of which gave me any sort of buzz. So I decided to stop f**king around and order the Long Island, get the night moving. So after about 1/4 of the way through the drink I began to experience a nice buzz, just in time for the white-girl circle dance (where a group of white girls all get together in a circle and move safely in numbers. After awhile I guess we'd drunk enough to move slightly apart from each other and began to mingle and talk with a sh*tload of Irish guys. (for some odd reason all through the night, we kept running into guys with Irish accents..faking maybe to pick up chicks I don't know but it worked on crazy katie because she exclaimed that she was going to marry Maerck(sp) merrick? Mark? something like that). Anyway, so we met a bunch of people, some girl stepped on my feet and after I yelled, "Fuck! That hurt!" (I was a little too drunk to hold in my pain) she apologized profusely and offered to buy me a drink. But of course I felt compelled to decline, dammit why do I have to be so nice. Anyway that wasn't the last time of the night that people would step on my feet. When I woke up in the morning I had black smudges all over my toes from being walked on. At one point, I couldn't get the pants I was wearing to unbutton when I had to pee (they were Nicole's and had like fifty buttons, poor planning on my part) so Liz had to come into the stall to help me *raises eyebrows twice* hmmm, maybe not such poor planning on my part. Next, we went to Beaumont's, a dance club, to kind of round out the night. At Beaumont's flirting with guys and having them buy you drinks was like shooting monkeys in a barrel (I don't think that's how that saying goes) and so dirty dancing with some of the other bridesmaids ensued, which attracted the attention of some guy who looked like a monkey and had long blonde hair and was wearing a tuxedo. He was a part of a wedding party and we found out later from a female friend of his that he was on the MTV show "Kept" (where Jeri hall auditions good-looking men to be her "kept man" or something. Nicole and Lauren were able to confirm this since they watched the show apparently and recognized him as one of the final two contestants. Personally I didn't think he was that hot to have hanging around, even if he was your bitch. Later, he got one of our group pinned against the wall and looked like he was going to dirty dance her to death. It was like a horror movie version of Dirty Dancing with a Patrick Swayze wanna-be from the 21st century. Anyway, later I had fun by making a guy follow me around like a puppy and then sulk when we (Nicole, Liz, Lauren, and I) started dancing on stage and I wouldn't come down and dance with him anymore. Apparently I had given him my lei (that we bridesmaids had been wearing all night) and I just remember really wanting it back. So Nicole told me later that I grabbed the lei back from him and was like "Only bridesmaids can wear these, go back and dance with your friends!" Apparently drunk Amber can be a little mean as well as affectionate. All totaled, I guess we probably danced for like 3 hours straight so when I woke up in the morning my right thigh was killing me. I hate waking up in the morning and having Unidentified Drunken Injuries (or UDIs). My feet were killing me as well. I realized then that I truly was an old lady and will not be able to handle much more of this. Thankfully in medical school I will not have any time or money for this kind of nonsense. So the party made me rue that I will not be able to have as much fun at the reception and dirty dance with Liz some more, since I will be getting up extremely early the next morning. Sigh.
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calm
drained
bitchy
satisfied